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Bookended by Hope; Friday with Bedfordshire Police and Monday Sherry Hamby
- Natalie Collins
- 1 hour ago
- 4 min read
by Natalie Collins
Founder and CEO
Our CEO Natalie reflects on a weekend bookended by two inspiring events. One with Bedfordshire Police and the other with Sherry Hamby.
On the hottest Friday of the year, I found myself relieved to be in Bedfordshire Police's air-conditioned headquarters. The coolness of the space was only one reason for my relief. I was there to contribute to their Male Violence Against Women and Girls conference, and my second reason for feeling encouraged was their willingness to name who is hurting women and girls: men (and, sadly, boys).
Too often, when we talk about "VAWG" (violence against women and girls), the people perpetrating that violence are obscured or erased. There can be a fear of appearing anti-men or implying that women can never cause harm. But we can only respond effectively to a problem that we are willing to name. In this case, the problem is men who are harming women and girls.
During the conference, I shared our Own My Life model for change: Validate. Regulate. Celebrate! (You can read more about it HERE.)
Naming the problem is part of Validate. We need to accurately identify what has been done, believe the woman or girl who is speaking to us, and refuse to collude with abusive men. But validation is only the beginning.
Next comes Regulate. Women and girls need to be safe and to feel safe. Being safe means perpetrators are held accountable and prevented from continuing their abuse, whether directly or indirectly through family courts, professionals who collude with them, or systems that blame and fail women. Feeling safe is just as important, and I'll come back to that shortly.
Finally, we Celebrate! We celebrate women's strengths, their courage, their resourcefulness and their tenacity. Too often, this is missing from the way we work with women whose partners have abused them. Instead, women are seen as one-dimensionally vulnerable. We expect women to be compliant, meek and grateful for whatever support they receive. We expect deference and overlook their expertise about their own lives. Instead, we should recognise them for who they are: brilliant, resilient and often downright badass. Every interaction should acknowledge everything (and everyone!) they are overcoming and everything they continue to achieve.
I always do a little dance when I reach the Celebrate stage of the model, and full credit to Bedfordshire Police, they joined in!
After my session, I had the joy of hugging local Own My Life facilitators for the very first time. They had all completed their training online with me, so being able to celebrate them (and the women they serve) in person was incredibly special.
It was also a privilege to spend time with police officers who are deeply committed, at every level of the organisation, to improving women's lives and challenging abusive men. The force is now working towards delivering Own My Life with female personnel, building on work pioneered by the Met Police and now being embraced by other forces across the UK. Female police personnel being recognised as needing support and help (validate), being support to get safe and feel safe (regulate), and accessing Own My Life, with all the sisterhood and joy that can bring (celebrate!). That definitely gives me cause for a little celebrate dance.
Natalie with Own My Life facilitators Shenel Davis (Ebonista Project) and Delphi Ellis (Helping You Sparkle)
I then travelled back to Sunderland, the most beautiful and, thankfully, much cooler (in every sense!) place, to join the brilliant Sherry Hamby at Durham University's CRiVA for a Monday event organised in partnership with Northumbria University's Gendered Violence and Abuse Group.
Sherry is an exceptional scholar and a wonderful human being. She is deeply committed to understanding what the science really tells us about building the foundations of a good life. She was visiting the UK from Nashville, where she is Distinguished Research Professor of Psychology at the University of the South, to launch her outstanding new book, Stronger Than You Think: Four Pillars for a More Resilient You (you can buy it HERE).
During the event, Sherry explained that much of the research into healing after trauma compares receiving no support with receiving a particular intervention, such as therapy, medication or a diagnosis. While these studies may show that "something" is better than "nothing", Sherry is asking a more important question: not simply what is better than nothing?, but what is the very best we can offer traumatised people?
I don't want to spoil too much of the book, but one sentence particularly stayed with me: "Many (if not most) people exposed to trauma do not need medication, psychotherapy or social services." This isn't a provocative opinion; it's a conclusion drawn from decades of research with traumatised people.
The event included questions from Nicole Westmarland of CRiVA and me, before Northumbria University's Angelika Strohmayer led a reflective workshop exploring how Sherry's research could shape both our work and our own lives.
Returning to the need to feel safe alongside being safe; Sherry's work sits firmly within the Regulate and Celebrate elements of our model. Her research identifies four key domains of resilience: meaning-making, relationships, environment and regulation. Each offers powerful opportunities to build stronger, more fulfilling lives.
We're delighted to be hosting a free online event in September, where Sherry will explore these four domains in more depth. You can book your place HERE.
Every Own My Life session begins with an invitation to share something we're thankful for. For some women, that simple exercise is enough to begin seeing their lives differently.
Each Own My Life session starts with an opportunity to share something we’re thankful for, with that exercise alone enabling some women to start seeing their lives differently. My weekend was bookended by two events which I am hugely grateful for, and which are a place to celebrate, in a sector that often feels like a never-ending trudge of misery.
There can be a tendency to believe that only paid professionals can help people recover from trauma or support women who have been subjected to abuse. Sherry's work reminds us that many of the building blocks of a good life are available to all of us and often cost nothing. Likewise, our Validate. Regulate. Celebrate! model isn't just for professionals. It's something anyone can embrace if they want to make women's lives better.
And you're all invited to the party.
Altogether now:
Validate. Regulate. Celebrate.
(Dancing required.)
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