Session 4 - The Cycle of Abuse

This is Eugene.  He really doesn’t like it when his partner Philomena spends time with her friends.  Most of them have stopped visiting because he’s so rude.

Philomena’s friend Gretchen was having a clear out and came across a dress she’d borrowed from Philomena.  She was passing Philomena’s house and came by to drop it off. Philomena had really missed Gretchen and was desperate to spend time with her, but knew Eugene would be angry.  Philomena hid in the house and pretended no one was home.

Eugene was very quiet when Gretchen had gone.  Philomena felt her stomach churn.  She knew he would kick off at some point, but she didn’t know how long the torturous wait would be.

Later the next day, in a too calm voice, Eugene began demanding Philomena tell him why Gretchen had come over, “Do you think I’m an idiot?!”  “You invited that b*tch round, didn’t you?!” How dare you lie to me!”  “You know I need quiet at home.”  “How dare you disrespect me.”  The too calm voice was gone and as he shouted.  Then came the violence.

After Eugene had finished, Philomena was curled in a ball crying.  “Look I hardly touched you.” Eugene tutted.  “It’s you, you’re really sensitive.  You know that I can’t cope with people in the house; you know I’ve got mental health problems.”

The next day, Eugene cried when he saw Philomena’s bruises “I’m going to get help,” he pleaded.  She thinks this time, he really means it.

The next week, Eugene tells Philomena, “It takes two to make this relationship work.”  You need to try harder.  It’s your job to look after me.”

If someone is treating us the way Eugene is treating Philomena, it can often be confusing and overwhelming.  Nothing makes sense and we can’t understand what’s going on.  Though it’s hard to see, this type of behaviour is a cycle.

Eugene believes he owns Philomena and is entitled to do whatever he wants.  To get what he wants, Eugene has a set of rules; Philomena mustn’t see her friends. She must keep the house tidy.  She mustn’t answer him back.  She must give him sex whenever he wants it. She can never leave him.

To keep the rules in place, Eugene must control Philomena.  He uses the Biderman Behaviours to do this.  Philomena becomes isolated, exhausted and scared.  She desperately tries to please Eugene.

At some point the rules will be broken.  This may be accidental. Philomena didn’t know Gretchen was coming to the house.  Philomena could be in a car accident, lose her phone or fall asleep.  It doesn’t matter that it was an accident, Eugene will still punish her.

The rules may be broken on purpose.  Philomena might leave Eugene.  She might try to regain some power by secretly cleaning the toilet with his toothbrush or cooking him dog food pie.

The rules may be broken because Eugene changes the rules without telling Philomena.  This is a Brainwasher tactic.  It is also known as gaslighting.

For instance, Eugene insists that Philomena only wear baggy clothing, mocking her and telling her she’s too fat for tight clothes.  Philomena obeys Eugene’s rule.  Then they are invited to a party.  Philomena wears loose clothing.  Eugene is enraged.  “How dare you show me up?!” he yells, demanding she put on something fitted and tight.  He has changed the rules and though she couldn’t have known, it doesn’t matter.  The rules have been broken.

When the rules are broken, Eugene’s beliefs of ownership and entitlement are threatened.  Rather than consider whether he is the problem, Eugene feels threatened and so chooses to reassert his rights and ensure Philomena knows she must obey him.

He begins an internal monologue, psyching himself up.  “How dare she?!  Who does she think she is?!  I love her and this is how she treats me?!  B*tch, wh*re, c*nt.” From the outside, no one might know Eugene is psyching himself up.

Once he has psyched himself up, Eugene is in a state of pseudo anger.  He feels he can justifiably use violence. He blames Philomena for winding him up, unwilling to recognise he has done this to himself.

Eugene becomes the All-mighty, using violence, aggression, smashing things or punishing Philomena in other ways; cheating on her, implicating her in illegal activities, pricking holes in condoms.

Eugene becomes the Brainwasher.  He minimises his behaviour, “It was just a little push, I only broke your finger.  He denies doing anything; I didn’t go near you, you fell; you’re imagining things.  He blames his current situation, his past, his mental health issues.  Mostly, he blames Philomena; she’s too sensitive.  He refuses to take responsibility for what he has done.

Once he has avoided responsibility, Eugene becomes the Nice One, manipulating Philomena into remaining in the relationship.  He apologises and promises to change and get help.  After initially looking like he’s making a change, Eugene’s behaviour will shift to reasserting his beliefs of ownership and entitlement, through telling her they both need to work at the relationship.  Philomena is stuck in Eugene’s cycle; it’s a terrifying roundabout that Eugene spins so fast Philomena can’t get off.

It can be really hard for Philomena (and for us) to recognise the cycle.  But seeing it for what it is, we can understand that we are not the problem.  Philomena can understand that it is Eugene’s beliefs and his rules that are causing so much pain, we can understand the same for our situation.  When we see the cycle for what it is, we can get the right help and support, take back ownership of our lives and jump off the roundabout as safely as we possibly can.