Session 3 - The Seven Steps of a Breakup

Agatha and Dinah have both separated from their partners and will need to go through the same seven steps of a breakup. Agatha’s partner Wallace was abusive, while Dinah’s partner Hubert was not. People may presume it is easier for Agatha to move on from the end of her relationship because Wallace’s abuse would motivate her to move on. However that is not the case. Each step of recovering from a breakup is much bigger and harder to overcome for Agatha than for Dinah.

Agatha: 

1. Shock: spends days feeling devastated and unable to do anything.

2. Denial: avoids telling anyone about the breakup and pretends it hasn’t happened.

3. Isolation: hides away, avoiding friends and family members.

4. Anger: texts Hubert telling him she hates him, she tells her friends how awful he was. She is tempted to burn all his clothing.

5. Bargaining: considers restarting the relationship.

6. Depression: realising the relationship is definitely over she becomes depressed.

7. Acceptance: makes peace with herself and with Hubert.

Dinah:

1. Shock: Wallace’s violence has left her physically in shock, as does the involvement of the police and social care. She has trauma induced stress.

2. Denial: her natural trauma response leaves her feeling dissociated, while Wallace’s constant denial of his behaviour and avoiding responsibility increases the difficulty of the denial step. For a long time Agatha has coped by refusing to accept Wallace is an abuser and that denial is hard to overcome.

3. Isolation: Wallace isolated Agatha from family and friends. She and her children had to move into a refuge miles from their home town. Agatha avoids making new friends due to the shame and stigma of being labelled a “victim”. She can’t use social media as Wallace might be spying on her.

4. Anger: she has always squashed her own anger because of Wallace’s violence and aggression. Now she doesn’t know how to be angry. Wallace blamed Agatha so much that she only knows how to be angry with herself.

5. Bargaining: Wallace takes advantage of this step, becoming the Nice One to manipulate Agatha into going back; using the children to try and convince her. Agatha’s traumatic attachment to Wallace makes this step even harder to overcome.

6. Depression: Wallace’s ongoing stalking, threats and abuse through child contact leave Agatha feeling continually trapped. Agatha’s stress hormones are out of balance as her body copes with the stress. She feels deeply depressed. The trauma drains her of energy, and the practical needs of housing and child rearing gives her no space to process her pain.

7. Acceptance: this step feels impossible. Wallace’s ongoing abuse continues to traumatise her and the time and resources needed to recover are difficult to access, particularly as she tries to help her children recover too. But with the good support, resources, the ability to build her understanding, and space for action it is possible for Agatha to move up the steps to acceptance.