Session 3 - The Seven Steps of a Breakup

This is Dinah. She has just broken up with her boyfriend, Hubert. After a few months, their relationship no longer worked and so they are going their separate ways. Just like any of us, Dinah has to go through seven steps to process and then recover after the breakup.

First, shock.  Dinah wasn’t expecting to be single and spends days feeling devastated and unable to do anything.

Then denial.  She avoids telling anyone about the breakup and pretends it hasn’t happened.

Next comes isolation. Dinah hides away in her bedroom, avoiding friends and family members, miserably listening to romantic songs on repeat and possibly drowning her sorrow in a large tub of ice-cream.

Anger follows.  Dinah messages Hubert to say she hates him.  Telling friends how awful he was she is tempted to show everyone messages and pictures he sent her when they were together. She doesn’t.

Moving into bargaining, Dinah considers restarting the relationship.  She contacts him, but soon realises it won’t work.

Dinah realises the relationship is definitely over and becomes depressed.  Feeling a great sense of loss for the she spent on the relationship, she isn’t sure she can keep going.  Hubert continues to have a positive relationship with Dinah’s friends and they move forward.

At the acceptance stage, Dinah makes peace with herself and with Hubert.  Understanding why she was in the relationship and why it ended, she feels confident that life can be beautiful again.

This is Agatha.  She has just broken up with her boyfriend Wallace.  Wallace was abusive throughout their relationship.  He physically hurt her, isolated her and controlled her, degraded her and used her friends to hurt her.  Everyone assumes it will be easier for Agatha to move on than it is for Dinah, because Wallace is such an awful person, but that is not the case.

Agatha’s shock is so much greater.  Wallace’s violence has left her physically in shock, as does the involvement of the police and the social workers who have come to see her and ask her lots of questions.  She has trauma induced stress.

Agatha’s natural trauma response leaves her feeling disassociated, while Wallace’s constant denial of his behaviour and avoiding responsibility increases the difficulty of the denial step.  For a long time Agatha has coped by refusing to accept Wallace is an abuser and that denial is hard to overcome.

The isolation step is massive for Agatha.  Wallace isolated Agatha from family and friends. Because Wallace is dangerous, Agatha has had to move to a new school, miles from her home.  Agatha avoids making new friends due to the shame and stigma of being labelled a “victim”.  She can’t use social media as Wallace might be spying on her.

Agatha has always squashed her own anger because of Wallace’s violence and aggression, now she doesn’t know how to be angry.  Wallace blamed Agatha so much for his abuse; she only knows how to be angry with herself.

Wallace will take advantage of the bargaining step becoming the Nice One to manipulate Agatha back.  Agatha’s traumatic attachment to Wallace makes this step even harder to overcome.

Wallace’s ongoing stalking, threats and abuse on social media and through Agatha’s friends leaves Agatha feeling continually trapped.  Agatha’s stress hormones are out of balance as her body copes with the stress.  She feels deeply depressed.  The trauma drains her of energy and going to school and dealing with her family gives her no space to process her pain.

For Agatha, moving to acceptance can feel impossible.  Wallace’s ongoing abuse continues to traumatise her and the time and resources needed to recover are difficult to access.

It’s much harder for Agatha to move on than for Dinah.  But with the good support, resources and building her understanding, it is possible for Agatha to move up the steps to Acceptance.  She too can discover that life can be beautiful.