Session 8 – Traumatic Attachment

Doris is on a train when it crashes. You might think that, when the train crashed, Doris would try to defend herself, screaming or frantically trying to leave the train. That getting to safety would be Doris’ priority.

But that’s not the case. When we’re threatened, our decision-making processes are based on our brain’s neurobiology, not what’s rational. When faced with physical danger, emotional difficulty or psychological damage, one of our primary neurobiological requirements is to maintain attachment. If our body thinks we're not safe, we'll seek out attachment with other humans.

Rather than seeking safety, food, or shelter, Doris’s brain will cause her to seek out attachment first, ringing her family or connecting with someone on the train. Thankfully Doris makes it off the train safely. Her need for attachment is worked out in her relationships with her boyfriend Bede, her mum, her friend Blossom and her colleague Demelza.

Clementine’s husband Cedric is abusive. Early in their relationship he began eroding her confidence and alienating her from her family and friends. She’s never been allowed to work and he makes her clean the house every day. He makes her do things sexually that hurt and degrade her. And, if he ever allows her out, Cedric tells her he will hurt her if she makes eye contact with anyone. This week Cedric assaulted Clementine, leaving her with bruises and cuts on her body. He was careful to avoid her face.

Clementine’s neurobiological need for attachment kicks in when Cedric is hurting her. The attachment need isn’t something she can control or choose and as Cedric has isolated Clementine from everyone else, her brain only has him to attach to. Her brain can’t distinguish between people she should attach to who are safe and people that she shouldn’t attach to.

Cedric has created a situation in which he is the onlyhuman that Clementine can attach to in a threatening situation. Doris’ need for attachment is worked out in lots of relationships, whereas Clementine’s physiological need for attachment can only be met by Cedric, who is the cause of the threat to her.

Clementine feels stupid, “What’s wrong with me? Why can’t I leave him after everything he’s done? There’s something bad in me that’s drawing me to him. Maybe I deserve this.” But she doesn’t. Clementine seeking attachment is entirely normal. It is Cedric and what he is doing to her that is abnormal.

Previously this process has been described as “Stockholm Syndrome”; when hostages and kidnap victims have opportunities to escape and do not take them, often building a relationship with the kidnapper or hostage taker. Due to its association with kidnapping, a more helpful term to describe this process Traumatic Attachment. If someone is subjecting us to abuse, whether after kidnapping us or when we’ve chosen to begin a relationship with them, we will form a traumatic attachment with them. This is not something we can control, and it can happen in as little as four days.