Session 2 - Why Does Abuse Exist?

Quentin has hurt his wife Ethel on many occasions.  He has been violent, put her down and made her feel worthless, and he’s pushed her to do lots of things sexually that hurt and degraded her.  Her family and friends have stopped visiting her because he is so rude to them.

Ethel has spent a long time trying to work out why Quentin treats her in such an awful way.The doctor diagnosed Quentin with depression and said this is what made him hurt her. Quentin went to see a counsellor, who explained that it was his unhappy childhood that had left him scarred and made him hurt Ethel.Then Quentin was diagnosed with diabetes and Ethel wondered whether it was his blood sugar levels that caused his hurtful actions. Quentin’s behaviour towards Ethel seemed to be worse if he had been drinking, so she thought maybe this was the reason.Then she looked on the internet and it told her that it was her fault. She attracted men who were unkind, it said, and she “loved too much”.

One day Ethel found a book written by a man called Lundy Bancroft. She finally discovered why Quentin hurt her. It made a lot of sense but also made her feel very sad.  The book explained that Quentin’s behaviour was like a tree.  The roots were ownership.  Quentin believed he owned her.  The trunk was entitlement.  Quentin believed he was entitled to behave in those ways because he owned her.  The branches were control.  Quentin’s beliefs of ownership and entitlement were shown in his controlling behaviours towards her.  All the other reasons were either lies or excuses.  It was really hard for Ethel to cope with understanding this but it helped her understand several things: that there was nothing she could do to change Quentin, that it wasn’t her fault, that his behaviour was a choice, and that she needed to make the right choices for her life.